Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
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Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting