Trumpy Cat
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*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.