Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
j o i m p
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …