trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
You Might Also Like
The opposite of goth is stopth.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.