trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
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“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
This meeting could have been a cake
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man