Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
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I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If looks could kill
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.