Truth. ๐๐ญ๐ฎโ๐จ
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Mum: Oh Iโve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, whatโs your name?
Me:
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didnโt like. ๐คท๐ปโโ๏ธ ๐ฉ
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh itโs gonna be close
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I called my sonโs school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they โdonโt do thatโ and I โneed to stop calling.โ
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldnโt really call what that bagel and I did โdatingโ.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Couldnโt afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambรฉ?
ME: I’ve flambรฉd your soup
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
You: Iโm combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: Iโm combining wine and dinner. Winner
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? Itโs close quarters up here
Witch: Cโmon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.