[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Gemma Correll
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Monica just destroyed the internet