Truth
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If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I’m tired tomorrow.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Mhm.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together