Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
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*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
If snakes were wide
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur