Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Velcrow
![]()
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
![]()
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.