Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
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I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.