Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
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“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??