Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
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Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Him: Send me a shower pic
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
LO: Hell yes.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…