Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
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Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.