Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
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[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look