Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.