“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
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Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
a lot to unpack here
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.