*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me