[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
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Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
If only.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Tell me you get it…🤣
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.