@OBiiieeee

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

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@electrolemon

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

@Social_Mime

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

@thedad

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

@SvnSxty

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

@WheelTod

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

@AHMalcolm

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

@Bexdora

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

@yoyoha

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright