[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

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ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume


If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.


Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails


Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what


Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?


Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about


Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.


How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright