[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.