[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
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*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!