[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
The struggle is real
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.