Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
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I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
the composer
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors