@truegritrumble

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

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@CourtneyBale

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

@huntigula

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

@CulturedRuffian

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

@drujohnston

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

@AndyRichter

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

@

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

@bananagrvyrd

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

@dixinormus10

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

@junejuly12

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls