*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue