trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
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Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
WWE is French for “yes”
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.