*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
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Always leave them wanting their money back.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Butt weight. There’s more!
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Bed should get ready for ME
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Sing it!
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????