[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*