Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
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you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?