Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
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My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.