@Chhapiness

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

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@noog

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

@Marlebean

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

@rickolantern

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

@thedad

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

@Archimbaldo

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

@Tbone7219

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

@ItsAndyRyan

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

@PinkCamoTO

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

@green_eyed_doll

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

@mortimermaiden

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.