Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
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Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
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