Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
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Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I feel it
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2