trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
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13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I identify as an antique shop.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
necessity is the mother of invention
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”