[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
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Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Bout to have the best sleep of my life