Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.