‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
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Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
*has no idea what a book even is*
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents