[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
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[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.