Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
You Might Also Like
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I’d use my best pan on you.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
what are they serving at kfc then???
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
This is my brand.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares