Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
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Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Attacked by a mop.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
What even happened today?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy