[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
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God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
me refusing to leave twitter
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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。
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.
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.
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My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I have many caverns
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?