Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
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Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*