[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
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Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
🤣could you imagine
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
sistine chapel
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.