[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
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Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.