[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
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My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Guilty! 🤪
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
synchronized noseblowing
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.