[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
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Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]