[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
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I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.