[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife