Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”