Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job