[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Breaking news:
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday