[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !